Professional
by Meesh
Summary: *ME1 Shenko* Shepard and Kaidan finally stop beating around the bush, and confront their budding relationship.


I watch as Liara hurries from the room, nearly purple from her blush. That conversation was incredibly uncomfortable. I had no idea that the rumors about her being interested in me were true! Scuttlebutt says all sorts of things, most of them typically just gossip, and I assumed it was the case here, too. I mean, the first person to suggest it to me was Ashley, and as much as I love Ash, she can be pretty bigoted at times. She doesn't exactly think of the asari as…unpromiscuous.

Is that even a word? Oh, whatever. Either way, I certainly wasn't expecting that discussion.

_I admit that your connection to the Protheans had something to do with my initial interest. But it has grown beyond that. You are a compelling woman, Shepard. Intriguing, unique._

That single phrase alone would be enough to qualify for one of the most mortifying conversations I've ever had, but then Liara just had to keep going.

_But I was not sure if it was…appropriate to act on my feelings. I thought there already might be a relationship between you and Lieutenant Alenko._

Dammit!

I hide my face in my hands. If _Liara_ can easily tell that Kaidan and I are…whatever we are, then pretty much everyone can. I wonder how far the rumors have spread. Dammit, I thought we were actually being careful. Did someone spot us in the mess? Have we been acting too familiar around the rest of the crew? Damn, if Joker gets wind of this, I'll never hear the end of it. No wonder Chakwas gave me a weird look when I confessed that I hadn't been sleeping well. If this gets back to the brass, we are in so mu–

"I hope my headaches aren't becoming contagious, Commander." Kaidan's voice, an odd mingling of amusement and concern, follows the soft clunk of his boots against the floor.

Well, that seems about right. I must've done something in a former life to deserve him appearing at exactly the wrong moment every single time. I try to smooth my face into a more appropriate mask before peering at him. He smiles at me, looking a little sleepy and stubbly…ah, wait. His shift just ended. He would be tired.

A sigh escapes me before I can clamp down on it. "No, Lieutenant, they're not. But if they were, I best be able to start throwing things around with my mind, too."

His lips twitch as Kaidan hides a quiet laugh, dark brown gaze capturing mine a heartbeat longer than proper. Before I start to really blush, he turns and quietly moves toward the viewport. After clearing his throat, his voice is lighter again. More professional. "I don't know about that, Shepard. You're pretty much the same age I am, so you'd probably have an L2 implant as well."

I just have to look over when he pauses.

"I wouldn't wish those migraines on anyone, especially you." There's something disarming about the way he casually crosses his arms…it's almost like he's hugging himself. I have to force myself to take a deep breath.

"Fair enough." I reach over and reclaim my nearly forgotten cup of tea, fighting the blush back down. "I'd argue it's probably worth it, although I imagine you have a much more educated stance on that than I do."

His chuckle echoes off of the window in front of him, low and much too melodic. No laugh should be so wonderful. It makes me smile every time. "I go back and forth between 'worth it' and 'not worth it,' depending on the day. Generally I think it's a fair trade off, but you probably don't want to ask me that the next time I'm feeling like my head is going to implode. Oh, that reminds me…"

Kaidan looks over to me with a smile, catching me off guard; I try to hide my expression with a sip of tea. "Thank you for what you said last night, about biotics. I needed to hear that."

As conflicted as my feelings for my lieutenant are, I most certainly didn't make that mini-speech for him. If he thinks it was, I bet everyone else does, too. Ugh, time to nip that in the bud. I dismissively wave my free hand and tuck some hair behind my ear, willing my voice to project professionalism. "No need to thank me. We're a motley crew, and sometimes people need to be reminded that we're all in this together."

He mercifully turns to look out the window again, quiet. I can't help but watch him as he stares at the stars. I've never considered the more soft spoken, thoughtful types very intriguing, but I still find myself wanting to know what he's thinking about. Probably Vyrnnus. Having killed your first person at such a young age couldn't have been easy, especially when it wasn't on purpose. Some people may think him weak or whiny for still carrying that around, but I respect it. I recognize it for what it is: the memory keeps him cautious. In control. The memory of my past keeps me hyperaware of how those beneath me are treated. I meant what I said last night, too: biotics are just like everyone else, complete with scars from their past.

Only sometimes they can throw stuff around with their minds.

"Well, it still meant a lot to hear it. This is going to sound kind of whiny, but you're the first C.O. I've had who looks at a biotic and just sees another soldier. I'm not saying I've been mistreated or anything…in fact, I've been pretty fortunate; but there's always that lingering distrust. I mean, you saw the biotic base yesterday."

His voice seems almost hurt, but remembering the way those biotic terrorists from earlier reacted to Kaidan, I nod quietly. That was a surprising sight for _me_, yet it's the look on his face that will always be etched into my memory. If we ever had to deal with a bunch of street rats, I imagine I'd react much the same. When you're part of something, when it's part of your identity, it's rough when you suddenly feel like an outsider.

I watch as he begins to pick at the skin around his fingers. It's a nervous gesture I've noticed more and more over the past several weeks. His voice is sincere, if a little nervous. "I'm glad I can trust you, not only as a commander, but as a person."

"…Thank you." I tear my eyes away from him, focusing on running my finger around the mug in my hands. That may be the highest compliment someone has ever paid me. I have to quietly swallow a lump before finishing. "It's good to know that my officers trust me."

Wow. What a lame response. He's opening up to me, and I say that.

I can just hear the smile in Kaidan's voice as he speaks up; it's comforting that he recognizes when I don't actually mean to be dismissive. "We more than trust you, Shepard. Every single man, woman, and alien on this ship would follow you into hell and back. You've only been C.O. for a few months, but there's something about you that inspires people."

He's got to be teasing me. I glance back over and my heart stops for a second. The smile on his face is soft, unguarded. _Breathe, you idiot._ I force myself to look away, staring at the speaker embedded in the wall near the door. A few moments and nervous chuckle later, I have my composure back. "Now you're making me sound like an old vid hero. I'm just a soldier like you, Alenko."

"Alright, alright. I'll stop embarrassing you." A comfortable silence stretches across the room, neither of us speaking for a few long moments. "…Am I distracting you from something important? I can go." He turns to look at me. This must be weird for him; I'm usually much more talkative. I'm just hypersensitive to anyone walking in, especially after that conversation I just had with Liara.

I shake my head, trying to shake my paranoia along with it. It doesn't work. "Not really. Sorry, you caught me at a bad time. Just had a confusing conversation and I'm trying to sort it all out."

His head tilts in a show of curiosity. It must be completely innocent, since if he knew, I doubt he'd broach the subject right now. "Anything you want to talk about?"

A soft heat creeps its way up my face as I remember he's the one who warned me that she was interested in me. I shake my head again and try to be as cryptic as possible. "Let's just say you were right about Liara, and that it was awkward."

"…Oh." Something in the air changes as we move to the topic of romance. Kaidan shifts his weight to the other foot and leans against the wall, voice suddenly cautious. "I…hope she took it well. Being rejected is never a good feeling."

I just can't help myself; I look over to catch his eyes with my own, and see the same worry reflected back at me. The only thing I have to wonder is…what is he worried about? Being caught? Being rejected? We've been very careful to not speak of anything directly, but it doesn't seem to have done mu–

"Shep–" He clears his throat, looking toward the door as several crewmembers make their way toward the mess hall. When the sounds from the hallway die down, he moves to sit in front of me, nervously but steadily holding my gaze. "Do you have a few minutes to talk, one-on-one?"

Oh, man. My stomach immediately knots; I knew this talk was coming, but I can't say I've been looking forward to it. I'm no good at these kinds of talks. After disguising a deep breath as a sigh, I nod. What else can I say? The longer this goes unacknowledged, the worse it's going to get. That daydreaming episode last week really just went too far. "We should probably discuss this in my office."

His expression is a peculiar combination of relief and uncertainty as he nods and stands up.

* * *

The door swishes shut behind me and I slowly turn to look at him. From the expression on both our faces, it's clear as day that neither of us wants to start this conversation. It'll end in one of two places: the two of us nursing a broken heart, or our careers in jeopardy…and both options suck.

"Kaidan, I…"

"Listen…"

We both stop with an embarrassed laugh as we talk over each other. Kaidan scratches the back of his neck and shakes his head, politely gesturing toward me. "Sorry. You go ahead."

He took the first step during our last conversation, so I guess that's only fair. I can't quite look him in the eye, instead opting to stare at his shoulder. "Whatever this is, I…I don't know. I think we need to cut back on talking together at night."

"Are you…?" Hurt seeps into his voice, and it nearly breaks my heart. I gently clench my fist, nails digging into my palm. It helps center me a little bit. I'm adult, I can do this. I look over, but his eyes are focused on his hands. He looks nearly crestfallen. My resolve crumbles ever so slightly.

"I'm not…I'm not saying anything, Kaidan. This has already gone beyond appropriate, and as long as we have our mission in front of us, I think it needs to be contained. For the sake of the crew."

_You can do this. It's not a breakup. You're not even together yet. Stick to the facts._

"We _are_ two of the most senior officers aboard. If Liara figured it out so quickly, everyone else must already know."

Heavy silence wafts between us as he absorbs this new information. It's fascinating to watch him think. At least the knit in his brow smooths away after a few moments; that's something. His jaw slowly sets, and he nods to the floor. "Alright. I understand, Commander. But can I ask a question?"

A wry laugh escapes my throat. "Depends on if you're asking your Commander or me."

"I'm asking you. Kaelia."

Our eyes meet the moment he says my name. It's magnetic. The connection is unmistakable; time seems to stand still. I find myself welling up with sudden frustration. This whole situation is _bullshit_. Why did I let myself get so close to him? We haven't let it affect our duties, but we'll still get in trouble if we're found out.

"When the mission's complete, will it be different?"

His question is a really good one. I certainly hope so. I certainly _plan_ on it being so; I hope he does, too. One of us can get reassigned and then there won't be a conflict of interest. Or hell, I could go full-time Spectre and we wouldn't have to worry about it at all. Being able to ignore the brass when I want has been really nice, so far. Either way, there are options. But for now…now, there aren't any. We're both still Alliance officers aboard a ship. We have a duty to the crew, to follow the rules we hold them to. I don't know if this connection we have is more than just proximity and flirtation, but I want to find out after all of this is over.

My feet slowly carry me over to stand in front of him, our gaze never breaking. We've been alone since entering my office, but at this exact moment, it feels like there's no one else in the universe. Something about stepping inside his bubble of personal space makes everything…different. The last time we were this close was when he wrapped his biotic barrier around the both of us. I gently clear my throat. "We'll figure it out after the mission is complete, Kaidan. I promise."

Kaidan nods quietly, his lips curving into a shy smile. I can feel my pulse speed up. "I don't think I've ever looked forward to shore leave more. Ma'am."

"Me either, Lieutenant. Me either." This is the last time we'll be able to stand around and smile stupidly at each other. Once we leave my office, everything is going to be under a tight lid. Before I even realize what I'm doing, my hand lifts to gently rest against his stubbly cheek. My fingers tingle as they brush against the hair at his temple. Oh, that's dangerous. I force my stiff lips to move. "But we're going to have to be completely professional until then. Understood…Lieutenant?"

His hand reaches up to tuck some hair behind my ear, thumb grazing across my freckles, practically willing them to melt into a blush at its mere touch. "Aye aye. Commander."

I barely hear him; I don't know if my ears have decided to just stop working or what, but all I can hear is my heart thudding in my head. All I can feel is his skin and hair under my fingertips. All I can see are his eyes. I open my mouth to tell him he's dismissed, but no words come out. I'm hypnotized, and from the look I'm getting in return, he is, too.

Oh, this is not going to go well.

"Commander, we've reached Noveria, but we're having trouble getting permission to land."

Just before we do something _very_ stupid, Joker's voice booms over the intercom in my room. We both jump, Kaidan's thumb accidentally jabbing right into my eye.

"Ow! Joker, give me a little more warning before just yelling over the system." I wave a guilty Kaidan away from trying to inspect me, and shoot a shushing motion in his direction.

"Wasn't aware filling out requisition forms and reports was that dangerous. Even Spectre reports have a higher risk of injury, huh?"

I sigh, annoyed, as I roll one eye and rub the other. "Listen…tell them there's a Spectre on board. I'll be right up."

"Aye aye." The speaker clicks off.

Kaidan moves back over, a worried frown creasing his forehead. Gently, without any of the heat locked between us only moments ago, he tries to look at my eye. It's really sweet. "I'm sorry…"

"Don't worry about it. You didn't scratch me or anything. Just…go get suited up. I think we could both do with a really cold planet right now." I give him a wry half-smile; I'm not sure if a hard armor cup will particularly _help _him right now, although it'll definitely discourage certain things. Not sure if he's following the same line of thought I am or not, but he mirrors my smile with a twinkle in his eye.

The reason for the twinkle in his eye becomes readily apparent as a finger reaches out, gently trailing down my arm. It takes nearly all my self-control to keep from shivering when his low rumble of a voice washes over me. "You can say that again."

I take a deep breath and raise my chin slightly. This is not good. We're about to re-enter the exact same situation we were _just_ in. Thankfully Joker broke the spell last time; we won't be so lucky a second time around. "Lieutenant."

My hint is taken with a sigh of his own and a frustrated nod. "You are…hard to step away from."

Adding a touch of irony to his words, he takes a step back. A moment of composure later, we both have our professional masks back on. He heads back toward my door, not even daring to look back at me as he speaks. "We'll get this done, Commander. The sooner, the better."

That's an understatement.


End file.
